A Message from TSA

Following the December 25 failed terrorist attempt on Northwest Airlines flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, the TSA has conducted a comprehensive review of its procedures and finds them wholly inadequate to protect the traveling public. We will implement new measures effective January 1, 2010 on international flights to and from the United States. Here they are:

1. When you arrive at the airport you are to strip, place your clothing in baggage, and check it in at the curb or airline counter.

2. Carry-ons are no longer permitted.

3. You shall present yourself at the security check point with your passport and boarding pass. No other property is allowed.

4. At the security check point, you will be orally, anally and depending on gender, vaginally probed.

5. Canines trained to sniff out explosives and marijuana will conduct a secondary inspection. If you are allergic to dogs, be sure to ask that you be sniffed by a hypoallergenic dog.

6. Once on the aircraft, you will be bound to your seat in chains and injected with a coma-inducing sedative that should be effective for the duration of the flight. If you regain consciousness during flight, you must alert a flight attendant to be reinjected with sedative. To do this, push the red button nearest your middle finger. Failure to inform a flight attendant that you are conscious is a federal offense punishable by imprisonment for not more than two years. 18 U.S.C. Section 2255.

7. For your convenience, you will be equipped with a colostomy bag and catheter. Return them to the flight attendant before leaving the aircraft.

8. You are urged to get dressed at the baggage carousel to avoid conflicts with local police outside the terminal building.

At TSA, we recognize that you could fly the equivalent mileage of ten roundtrips to Pluto and never encounter a terrorist incident but tell that to the passengers on 9/11 who are 100% dead. Some will say the new measures are too extreme but in our zeal to protect the traveling public, we stop at nothing.

Wishing you and yours a safe flight.

Your TSA Administrator

Crossing the River

Before heading to the southern tip of South America, I decided to take a ferry across the river from Buenos Aires to Colonia, Uruguay. If you end up making this crossing yourself, I hope you find this guide helpful because this excursion may turn out more challenging than you ever imagined.

You don´t have to worry about navigating the river because the boat´s pilot takes care of that. The challenge here is navigating what in Spanish they call "los tramites" that is the formalities you have to go through before they let you on the boat. None of these is spelled out in writing. They have been handed down as oral tradition from one generation to the next. And this leaves you at a disadvantage. But don't sweat it. I've already blazed the way for you. Hopefully, this guide will minimize the trauma of the tramites for you.

1. Getting centered. Prepare yourself mentally before going to the estacion fluvial to get on the boat. The best way to accomplish this depends on what works for you. You may call on a therapist (there are thousands of them in Buenos Aires and a few must be hungry and willing to see you on short notice). You may seek religious guidance or achieve the requisite state of tranquillity through meditation or yoga. Finally, you may choose to numb out on the herb or drug of your choice.

Caution-- Use of alcohol is not advised. It will only magnify your feelings of helplessness and desperation. This may send you into a rage causing injury to yourself or others. You may even end up in jail.

2. Upon entering the station, you will be in a waiting area/cafeteria/coffee bar. Look to your right. You will see a sign that says "Venta de Boletos" Follow it. You will have to wait to see one of the three agents sitting at desks in front of computer terminals. When it´s your turn, you will choose the boat you want and the class of service. There are fast boats and slow boats both with first class and tourist sections. Best choice is tourist class in a fast boat since that saves you some money and shaves two hours off the trip. The agent will ask for your passport and enter you into the system. She will quote you a fare and remind you to set your watch to Uruguay time so as to avoid confusion about when you need to show up for the return passage. She will tell you to go to the other side of the waiting area/cafeteria/coffee bar to buy your ticket. You will feel a bit uneasy at this point because you don´t have a single piece of paper to show that you ever talked to her. But don´t worry.

3. When you arrive at the place you were directed, you're in a large hall with 10 windows each serving a distinct function. You naturally gravitate toward the line in front of the window labeled "caja" because that's where you expect to pay and get your ticket. After you wait in line there, you will learn that you made a bad choice. Now you must go to the window on the far right where you will stand in another line. At that window, you will be asked for your passport and the agent will tell you what the fare is. This window seems to serve no purpose other than to check the work of the first agent you met. The amount quoted at this window will be different from what you were told before. You leave this window paperless and follow the agent's finger pointed in the direction of the caja.

4. After standing in line at the caja, it's now your turn. You are excited that the ordeal is almost over. The caja guy asks for your passport and enters you into the computer. A third amount for the fare is quoted, this one higher than the others. When you protest, you get quoted a fare that beats all previous quotes. A printer cranks out your tickets together with a thick wad of extraneous material marked VOID in huge block letters-- all of which is handed to you. You still have more to do. Now you must go to check-in, whether or not you have baggage.

5. Wait in line at the check-in window. Then you hand the agent your pile of paper and your passport which you have now presented for the fourth time. Flipping through the pages, the agent can´t find an entry stamp for mine. Before he says a word, I explain this is a replacement passport and that the one I entered Argentina with was stolen. He wants to see a police report. I produce my Certificado de Denuncia given to me by the police when I reported the theft. He calls over another agent who wants to read it too. Everyone loves a crime story. Then I get a boarding pass and proceed to immigration control where the whole business about the passport and the Denuncia is gone over again with two immigration officials. Finally, they stamp my passport attesting to my departure from Argentina.

Return from Uruguay

Arriving at the station with ample time to board the boat back to Buenos Aires, I see a very long line out the door extending into the huge parking area. Dutifully, I get in it. As the seasons change and the lines in my face deepen, the queue creeps ever so slowly toward the door. I start searching for possible alternatives. Then I remember that I already have a boarding pass for the return and why not just go straight to immigration with that? I leave the line and go there but I'm told they need a stamp and I must go back in the trauma line to get it. Now I´ve lost my place and have to start over. When I make it to the front of the line, I find out that this line is only for the 9 PM crossing. Since I´m booked for 8:30, I should be at the other dock way down on the end about a football field away. I run down there to find out my boat has already sailed.

Back to the first terminal, I explain what happened to a boat company guy. He says I shouldn´t wait in line again but instead go directly to the window on the end to get instant boarding on the 9 PM boat. I get to that window where a smaller line has formed pressed against the wall trying to maintain its integrity against the flow of the larger line of people with bags, backpacks and baby strollers. As I wait in the little line for a family of six to have their papers processed, an American exchange student showed up saying that he stood in the wrong line too and had missed the 8:30 boat. The agent processes our papers at the same time and mixes them up. We think we sort them out until I get to immigration where I discover that the sorting was incomplete. Finally, this all gets straightened out and I get on the boat.

NOTE TO FAMILY TRAVELERS: It is best to appoint an archivist to maintain everyone´s papers together in one place.

In case you fear losing your centeredness before you return to Buenos Aires, take the main road to the end of the old town section of Colonia at the river´s edge where you will run into an artisan/musician/juggler/poet/native american of Incan roots who talks about the goddess Pachamama. He will give you a pamphlet of his poetry gratis, share his philosophy and offer you a joint if he likes you. Of course, this only came to me as rumor and I wouldn´t know anything about it from personal experience.

May the spirit of Pachamama be with you.

Passport Theft in Argentina

I was supposed to leave Buenos Aires but something happened that left me stuck to it like fly paper. The guides tell us that the thieves of Buenos Aires are among the best in the world. Travelers are exhorted to exercise caution. I, a sophisticated traveler, didn't worry too much about that advice since only people who fail to pay attention will get their things ripped off and it never had happened to me.

Between 14:45:30 and 14:45:45 ART, my backpack was stolen at the corner of Av. Corrientes and Rodriguez Peña. The dastardly deed happened because I turned my attention away for a tiny moment to watch a presidential candidate telling a gaggle of reporters about his plan to develop alternative energy sources and eliminate hunger. All of his handouts were green. He had an honest face.

Inside the backpack were round trip airline tickets to Ushuaia, a digital camera, glasses, two travel guides and, of course, my passport. I made an immediate report to the police explaining how that the backpack disappeared while I was sitting at a table outside a cafe. Told the cop that I didn´t think the candidate was guilty. He was way to progressive to be a thief. The cop said we shouldn't jump to conclusions. At the end of the interview, he wrote up a Certificado de Denuncia detailing what happened and what was taken. After I proofed it for accuracy and noticed that he didn't mention the loss of my passport, he revised it and delivered it to me, signed, sealed and suitable for framing. I had to take it to the US consulate for a replacement passport. That´s happening now.

For a while, I was upset about the loss but found a silver lining in the disaster. Now I´ll have less stuff to drag around.

At the consulate, they told me that Bush´s daughter had her purse snatched a while back from a restaurant table. And she had secret service protection. Seems it's true that the thieves in this town are the best.

To avoid snafus over the passport reissuance, I had gone online to do my due diligence before going to the consulate. The website said I might be asked questions about things citizens are expected to know. Reading this, I worried that I could get quizzed about baseball. That was sure to do me in. This is everything I know about baseball:

1. The 880 is a bitch to drive when the A´s are playing at the Coliseum.
2. Baseball is associated with beer, hotdogs and steroids.
3. Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron and Mickey Mantle were these baseball dudes who did some really cool shit.
4. Barry Bonds broke the record for the most career home runs. Why this is a big deal, I don't know. Seems you´d want to know more like how long was his career relative to the other guy whose record he beat. Did he face more challenging playing conditions? Was Bonds using steroids? How about the other guy? Should this matter?

I hoped I wouldn't be asked baseball questions.

With the new passport in hand, the schedule is to head down to Tierra del Fuego. Expect to be there for 8 days. The land of fire, penguins and glaciers.