Following the December 25 failed terrorist attempt on Northwest Airlines flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, the TSA has conducted a comprehensive review of its procedures and finds them wholly inadequate to protect the traveling public. We will implement new measures effective January 1, 2010 on international flights to and from the United States. Here they are:
1. When you arrive at the airport you are to strip, place your clothing in baggage, and check it in at the curb or airline counter.
2. Carry-ons are no longer permitted.
3. You shall present yourself at the security check point with your passport and boarding pass. No other property is allowed.
4. At the security check point, you will be orally, anally and depending on gender, vaginally probed.
5. Canines trained to sniff out explosives and marijuana will conduct a secondary inspection. If you are allergic to dogs, be sure to ask that you be sniffed by a hypoallergenic dog.
6. Once on the aircraft, you will be bound to your seat in chains and injected with a coma-inducing sedative that should be effective for the duration of the flight. If you regain consciousness during flight, you must alert a flight attendant to be reinjected with sedative. To do this, push the red button nearest your middle finger. Failure to inform a flight attendant that you are conscious is a federal offense punishable by imprisonment for not more than two years. 18 U.S.C. Section 2255.
7. For your convenience, you will be equipped with a colostomy bag and catheter. Return them to the flight attendant before leaving the aircraft.
8. You are urged to get dressed at the baggage carousel to avoid conflicts with local police outside the terminal building.
At TSA, we recognize that you could fly the equivalent mileage of ten roundtrips to Pluto and never encounter a terrorist incident but tell that to the passengers on 9/11 who are 100% dead. Some will say the new measures are too extreme but in our zeal to protect the traveling public, we stop at nothing.
Wishing you and yours a safe flight.
Your TSA Administrator
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
As for #7, the passengers should be aware that their urine will be analyzed to detect any illegal substance . . . arrest and prosecution to follow.
ReplyDeleteI think this is ridiculous. Why should someone be forced to fly naked? Most of the other airlines at least provide an orange jumpsuit for flight purposes, complete with implanted computer chips. The federal chipping program will soon be ready to launch that will mandate the chipping of all adults, children, and pets who are intending to fly on any worldwide commercial craft by the year 2012 so flight security screening will become greatly simplified. That will solve all of these problems. The chips are capable of chemically sniffing explosive chemicals on or near any person who has been implanted. I think you are being whimsical again. Come to think of it, I'd better shut up because I've found that some of my wackier ideas have been picked up and taken seriously.
ReplyDeleteI mean, did you ever see the movie, "US Marshalls," (1998) starring Tommy Lee Jones, where they are flying a planeload of extradited federal prisoners on a specially adapted passenger plane, where the prisoners are forced to wear padlocked shackels and legirons strapped to their seats?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmqTMA4KDsw
About halfway through the flight, an really bad guy takes a bomb secreted on the plane in the restroom and blows the side of the plane out causing them to crash. Even the best security has flaws.
See YouTube segment featuring this sequence of events:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfOuCWdXrWE&feature=related
Anonymous, funny that you should mention it but I did see that movie and it inspired me to propose that passengers be bound and rendered unconscious for the flight. A side benefit of the new regs is that now the airlines can rip out the restrooms making room for more seats to enhance their bottom lines.
ReplyDelete