Drug War Over, Drugs Win

In a live address to the nation today, President Obama announced that the United States is pulling out of the drug war. The President said the nation no longer can afford to fight a war on terror and drugs at the same time.

Seated at a huge conference table in the Cabinet Room surrounded by representative samples of common formerly illicit drugs including plants, fungi, piles of powders in various hues, bricks of hashish, and tabs of ecstasy, the President said it's time for the country to forge a new relationship with drugs. An eight foot high mother plant from Humboldt County was flown in on Air Force One for the occasion. A group of psilocybin mushrooms sat in a cool moist spot near the President hanging on to his every word.

The President said he consulted with his advisors and his base of internet users whose emails overwhelming encouraged him to take today's action. He stated he regretted the billions spent on the useless war over the past eight administrations along with the unacceptable death toll caused by aggressive enforcement and drive by shootings.

President Obama also decried the rise in official corruption fueled by the high prices of drugs. He condemned CIA covert actions bringing cocaine into the inner cities during the 1980s and police officers who made millions taking a cut from every shipment they permitted to cross the border. "Police officers stealing drugs and cash from pot clubs, dealers, and kids hanging out to blaze undermines respect for law enforcement," Obama said. By executive order, drugs incarcerated in evidence lockups throughout the nation will be released by the end of the day.

Said the President, "While some may say that the social costs of legalizing drugs will be high, I have no doubt that the cost of the drug war has been much higher. In my view, the cure has been far worse than the disease. We need to adopt a pragmatic approach that includes education and treatment. At the same time we must respect individual autonomy to make choices even if we as a society do not agree with them." The President pointed out that drug distribution to minors will remain a felony.

As a result of today's announcement, a million people locked up for nonviolent association with drugs, conspiracy, and aiding and abetting drugs during the war will be released and their convictions set aside.

"The ushering in of this new era of peace will have economic ripple effects," noted one economist. "Expect a 2 to 3% spike in the unemployment rate caused by the release of prisoners and layoffs of correctional officers. In addition, drug dealers will now have to look for legitimate work. The arms industry can expect to see a dip in sales, too."

The cost of drugs is expected to plummet within days putting armed and dangerous drug dealers instantly out of business. New products which will be subject to FDA standards for purity and potency are expected to hit the shelves of major drug chains within days. An ounce of high grade pot which used to cost $400 or more will be available for $60 and taxed under the President's plan.

With the legalization of hemp, a sturdy product which could compete with cotton but does not require use of harmful pesticides and herbicides, companies such as Monsanto and Dow which supply these chemicals to cotton growers can expect revenue shortfalls by next quarter. Shares of each were off by 10% at market close today.

Edna Haggerty, a 72-year old grandmother, housed at a federal prison in Texas for making and distributing pot brownies, was elated by the news. Until today's order releasing her, Haggerty would not have been eligible for parole until her 119th birthday. "I thought by the time I got out of here, I wouldn't be able to see good enough to find my oven much less start my work again. I'm ready to get my product moving," Haggerty said.